Lessons Living with a Jerk taught me

Lesson 1: My fear of being rejected by others meant I spent my childhood rejecting myself.

Please accept me world? Please tell me I am worthy of living a spectacular life? Please be kind to me?

By the time I was 18 I was convinced that self acceptance would only come if the world around me would formally tell me that being born with a body that doesn’t follow the standard rules doesn’t make me less than my peers. When I looked at the world around me unable to see others like myself out there taking up space in the world I took that as evidence that ‘people like me don’t belong’. Even as I right this I feel this intensely because it was my reality for many years and I remember that version of myself that believed this to be true. Everyday I woke up disappointed that my unpredictable jerky body hadn’t change overnight.

For years I kept waiting, waiting for acceptance. When I finished school it felt like all the challenges of living with myoclonus dystonia caught up with me and the reality of having to live my life with this condition hit me like a ton of bricks. I didn’t want it, it felt to hard and I felt like my body didn’t make sense. I collected memories of experiences that made me feel less than and used them as evidence to back my theory of feeling like an alien on this planet. I would replay moments in my spare time like; that time I wanted to donate my blood and the nurse rejected me because she didn’t know what caused my movements and neither did I at the time, or the time I was compared to jelly, or that time a boy laughed with his friends at the thought of trying to kiss my jerky body. I had plenty of “proof” to back my theory that there is no way I can accept myself completely, not like this.

Then around the age of 20 the dark thoughts that plagued my mind started to feel unbearable. I had the tough realisation that my future was dependent on myself and that all the acceptance from everyone around me will mean nothing unless I can learn to accept myself. It had always felt easier to put my self worth outside of myself and taking full radical responsibility for my future was scary. It felt scary to be out in the world jerks and all! I was terrified of the rejection I might face however it was even more terrifying to picture a life where I continue to shrink myself and beat myself up all because I was born with a body that moves to its own beat.

In my story, the opportunity to create a change presented itself in the form of a one way ticket to Australia for my 21st birthday. Far from the comforts that had kept me “safe” I was literally getting on a flight and facing every single anxiety and fear that lived inside my mind. Its great to write this at the age of 31 with all the benefits of hindsight and picture that 21 year old version of me that really had no idea or plan and just a glimmer of hope.

to be continued…….

Spoiler Alert, the next chapter involves me hugging a phone book whilst crying on the phone to my mum from a back packers in Broome questioning my life choices.